I guess I owe you an apology.
All the way from when we met at APhO in Taiwan till September, you were a good friend of mine. You and I share so many common interests, so many common backgrounds, and somehow had so many similar stories. That made a good basis for being friends.
And I have to apologize for the premature decision I made. Similar interests form a good basis for friendship, but not for a relationship. Just as what I’ve warned you, I’m still pretty immature. There was something that I never should have overlooked – even though you and I are studying abroad in the same country, you and I are on the opposite coast, with a 3 hour time difference – not to say you and I don’t even come from the same continent. I remember asking you what I could look forward to after winter break – you said summer. But, you and I are just too far apart, and probably you weren’t that prepared to put the extra effort in working out stuffs.
And I have to apologize for idealizing you. You asked me if I ever idealized you. I said I didn’t, but I did. When you asked me to take you the way you are, I just found explanations for the differences in our characters, our ways of approaching the world, and basically, I was just lying to myself. One or two differences may be alright. But as they accumulate, that is where the tension came from. There is a way to put a tiger and a bear in a cage with them living peacefully with each other, but there is no way to make the tiger and the bear both living exactly happy.
And I have to apologize for being demanding while not voicing out what I wanted. I’m not exactly as caring / understanding as I said. I did have complaints, I did have a lot of worries. Oversimplifying them as “insecure feelings” was blinding – in the way I ended up not telling you exactly what I was looking for in you.
And I have to apologize for yet another wrong decision I made the last time we quarreled. I did say what I was thinking, without any bias, without any exaggerations. You couldn’t take it, that meant only you and I couldn’t share your or my thoughts freely. That meant I had to lie to go on. That meant that should have been the time for the break up.
And I have to apologize for being unable to forget what happened in the last quarrel. You asked me to forget that two days. I tried and I failed. What I did and what you did kept coming up to my mind. Those hurt a lot. But believe me, I’ve tried hard for that two weeks afterwards, I just couldn’t.
And I have to apologize for taking such a long time to see through the way you think. Probably you know the way I think a while ago, but I didn’t have that gift to know what you’re thinking. I could have seen this earlier, when it would have been less painful. I’m not judging your way of life / thinking, but it’s simply too different from mine.
And I have to apologize for what I’ve written in this previous week. Whether or not you’ve read them, they probably still hurt you. That was a relief for me to write whatever I had on my mind, but surely I shouldn’t have done that.
And I have to apologize for basically taking your time, even though not much, for this past two months. You surely could have spent that time on studying or finding someone else.
And I’m not saying I am bearing full responsibility. But there is surely a significant part I have to undertake.
And I’m glad that I could maintain not lying to you. What I’ve said, I meant it and I still mean it.
(Written at the night before going back from NY / NJ to CA.)
P.S.: It’s winter solstice. Hope thing’s getting better for you. Hope thing’s getting better for me.
P.S.: Still the same song on my mind:
“Symphony” – Sarah Brightman
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say
When now suddenly you feel so far away
And you’re not prepared to talk
And if you’re now afraid to listen
Then I don’t want to do this anymore
Oh I don’t know which way that I should turn
Seems the more we love
The more we have to learn
And I keep staring into space
Like it somehow has the answer
So don’t let the music end
Oh my darling
[Chorus:]
Symphony
It’s gone quiet around us now
How I wish you would hold me
And that you never told me
That it’s better if you leave
Look at the sun
We’re starting to lose all of the light
Where we once burnt so brightly
Tell me we might be
Throwing it away
Well you don’t know what you’ve got
Until it’s gone
But then nothing ever hurt like holding on
I am scared and unprepared
And I feel like I am falling
So can you tell me
Where did we go wrong?
[Repeat chorus]
If everything is broken
Then it’s better that we give up
And remember how we once had
Something beautiful
[Repeat chorus]
HUNG, NOT HANGED 